The 40 Virgins of Lupercalia
by ArtificialAorta
Summary: After James' failed attempt of Valentine's Day stalking, Sirius and Remus dispute the proper way to celebrate the most holy day of love.


**Pairing: **Remus/ Sirius**  
Warning**: contains suggestions of m/m relations. Don't like, don't read.  
**Disclaimer**: All characters owned by JK Rowling. Info about Lupercalia taken from Wiki.  
**A/N**: So I started a prompt table to get back into the swing of things and this is the first of hopefully 50 short fics. May have veered off prompt topic into off topic puppy love at the end but I do love to write them bantering.  
**Prompt**: 13. Afterlife

* * *

"Well Moony, I think Evans finally did it. She's finally murdered Prongs," Sirius said to Moony, in a much calmer voice than Moony would have expected from him if James had _actually_ died. The two had just walked into the Gryffindor common room to find James sprawled out on the sofa in front of the fireplace. One arm was dangling off the side of the sofa and his uniform and robes were in disarray. A large brownish stain was splattered on his crumpled white shirt and the end of his tie looked singed. There was also a rip at the knee of his trousers and large red letters spelling WANKER on his forehead. He suddenly snored loudly, confirming he was only sleeping.

"Oh, not dead, just tired from a day of Lily stalking," Remus noted. "Big day for him too, what it being Valentines Day and Lily having a date with George Horne."

"Shame, he would have enjoyed the large Quidditch field of the afterlife. Might have even gotten forty virgins too," Sirius joked, causing Remus to roll his eyes. Maybe one day he'd get Sirius to actually _read_ books, not just skim the pages from over his shoulder.

"It's seventy-two virgins Sirius, it's meant to be a reward in the Paradise of the afterlife, at least according to Islam," corrected Remus.

"Seventy-two? Well that's just excessive. Eh, Prongs will probably only want the redheaded ones and we all know redheads aren't allowed in paradise. So it seems he's destined to be a virgin for all eternity. Which is good as I fear his ungulate spawn."

"I'm sure the Prewett brothers would dispute the Afterlife Ginger Ban with you," Remus said calmly. "Perhaps you should owl them?"

"Nah, I'll just gloat when I'm dead."

"Suit yourself."

James gave off another loud snore that was punctuated with a rather unmanly whine for his mother. The two friends snickered and made their way upstairs, wondering if Peter was anywhere to be found.

"Hey Pads, wanna split the rest of the chocolate?" Remus asked hopefully. The walk back combined with the upcoming full moon had made him rather ravenous.

"Already? I was hoping we could save them for tomorrow, what with it being the holiest day of love."

"That's today."

"Come now Moony, I thought you were smarter than that? Tomorrow is Lupercalia!" Sirius waggled his eyebrows and put an arm around Remus' waist. "Day of love and mating for those blessed enough to look past that git Saint Valentine."

"You know, I think I read that the Romans would sacrifice a goat and dog on Lupercalia," mused Remus. Really, Sirius needed to start reading more.

"Well, don't know about the goat but I'm willing to sacrifice _my_ body. There may not be seventy-two of me, but what I lack in purity and numbers, I make up in innovation and sexual potency. Besides _I_ read that some blokes would run up and down the streets naked and hitting people with shaggy thongs," countered Sirius, proud that he had beat Remus as his own 'look at me I read books without pictures' game.

"Ah, well, we don't want a repeat of third year do we?" Remus frowned at the memory. "Fine, no more chocolates tonight but we're still going to raid the kitchens. I can't shag on an empty stomach."

Sirius smiled, knowing that he had won the Lupercalia argument, if only by persistence and threats of running around the school in the nude. But really, in the scheme of things, as long as Remus stayed fed, Sirius sexually sated and James a virgin, all would be good with the world.


End file.
